FAQ – SIA

What is SIA?
Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) is a 12-step, self-help recovery program modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous. We are a spiritual, self-help program of people 18 years or older, who are guided by a set of 12 Suggested Steps and 12 Traditions, along with our Slogans and the Serenity Prayer.
SIA, started in 1982, is a 12-step, self-help recovery program modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous. There are no dues or fees.
Who can join?
SIA is for people 18 years and older who were sexually abused as children. You will not be rejected because you think your abuse was “too horrible” or because you think your abuse wasn’t “bad enough.”
The only requirement for membership is that you were sexually abused as a child, and you want to recover.
However, the SIA membership has decided (and current laws have made it necessary to clarify) that perpetrators of child sexual abuse are not allowed in any SIA meeting. Other programs and avenues are available for help for people who have perpetrated abuse.
Confidentiality and anonymity are essential to our program.
The only requirement for membership is that you were sexually abused as a child and that you want to recover from the effects of that experience in your life today.
Who is in charge?
No one is really in charge. Leadership in SIA is shared by all. The facilitator or chairperson of a meeting is a survivor like you, who is willing to read the format and facilitate the meeting. Facilitators have some familiarity with the 12 Traditions of SIA and group guidelines for safety and sharing, and they will provide gentle guidance. A member can be the leader for a set period of time. This is called a service position. Leadership and service positions should rotate, giving everyone an opportunity to contribute to the meeting. Other service positions may include the Group Service Representative, group contact person, Treasurer, Secretary, Set-up and Clean-up helpers, etc.
Who is a Perpetrator?
We have traditionally defined a perpetrator as “a family member or trusted individual who violates that position by seducing or otherwise manipulating a child with overt or covert sexual behavior.” SIA is the place to work on survivor issues. Some survivors were forced, either physically or emotionally, to abuse other children. Because they were forced, the SIA membership does not consider them to be perpetrators. The adults who staged the abuse were 100% responsible.
What is Incest?
We define incest very broadly as a sexual encounter by a family member or by a person that we or our families have known for a while. This may be a family member, family friend, clergy, teacher, another child, or anyone who betrayed our innocence and trust. We believe we were affected by the abuse, whether it occurred once or many times, since the damage was incurred immediately.
What is Abuse?
By “abuse,” we mean any sexual behavior or contact with the child. Sexual contact may include verbal and/or physical behaviors. Penetration is not necessary for the experience to be defined as incest or child sexual abuse. Sometimes, the abuse is covert, grooming, or conditioning. Any type of inappropriate sexual behavior by a trusted adult towards a child is very traumatic and damaging.
What if I don’t have proof – or don’t remember the abuse?
No one here needs more than your word that you survived the abuse. Most of us were children when the abuse occurred and often do not remember it fully. If you believe you were a victim or have reason to think you were, then we believe and welcome you. That’s enough for you to be part of our fellowship. However, this is not a court to deal with your perpetrator. SIA is a spiritual support group where you join other survivors in fellowship toward health, healing, and happiness. You are welcome here even if you have no clear memories of the abuse. You will not be discounted because what happened to you seems “minor.” or “insignificant.” If you feel you belong here, we believe you and welcome you.
Who can attend a meeting?
Meetings can be closed (allowing SIA members only) or open (supporters of survivors are also allowed). Perpetrators are not allowed to attend meetings.
How do I introduce myself?
In this anonymous program, we use only first names (and occasionally last initials). It’s your choice how you introduce yourself. Most people will begin speaking by saying, “I’m (first name), and I’m an incest survivor.” SIA lets others know your name and helps to break the silence you’ve kept for so long. If you would like to use a pseudonym, do so. Trust will develop as you recover further and get to know us. Some will add, “I was sexually abused by my father, mother, uncle, babysitter, etc., and neglected by (whomever).” Sometimes, we also identify ourselves with some other qualities, such as “I am a survivor, a teacher, and a lover of animals.”
What does SIA cost?
There is NO COST for meetings. We have group expenses, varying from one meeting to the next. Our Seventh Tradition states that we are self-supporting. We take up a collection for the Seventh Tradition, but no one is obligated to contribute. Through these collections, the group bills are paid. Contributions are made to the Regional Intergroups and the World Service Office for the website and directory of meetings, literature production and distribution, information phone lines, meeting phone lines, zoom meeting accounts, and speakers bureaus. We all give what we can out of gratitude.
Do I have to speak?
No one is required to speak. There are many formats of meetings: speaker meetings, where a speaker does most of the talking; topic meetings, where discussion is open but directed toward a specific topic and all are invited to participate; and literature meetings, where some SIA literature is read and discussed. At a small number of meetings, people are called on to speak, but even then, a member can ALWAYS pass on that option. At other meetings, the floor is open to anyone wishing to speak, but no one is called on. Each meeting decides on its meeting format by a Group Conscience vote. You can choose not to speak. If you are in a group that rotates the discussion and do not wish to speak, just say “I pass” so the next person can begin. No one has to speak at discussion meetings, but everyone is encouraged to speak. As survivors, we have had to keep the sexual abuse secret. Many of us come in uncomfortable when talking about it. That’s fine. Listen, keep coming, and give yourself time. You may find that, as a result of the abuse, even though the abuse ended long ago, it still affects your life today. Some of us come to this program full of anger at our perpetrators and hurting. We find that by breaking the silence, telling the secret, and then talking about the things in our lives that were and still are affected, we can begin a long, slow, glorious process of recovery. Generally, each person (time permitting) is given an opportunity to speak in a discussion meeting. Some groups allow brief, positive feedback. Others have elected to refrain from giving feedback of any kind, but either way, no advice is ever given. Be respectful of the number of survivors that are sharing the meeting time. Some large meetings may limit the time of each member’s share to assure time for every member to participate. When we do share, it is suggested that we limit your comments to your own experiences. We align with our primary purpose by keeping our sharing focused on our own experiences, using “I” statements (first person), and avoiding political issues and outside causes. Generally, for a newcomer or an old-comer in crisis who has a burning need to get something off their chest, it is a good idea to speak early in the meeting so that there is time to reflect on the issue shared. Most groups will begin and end at specified times. As survivors, we often have problems with limits and work on these issues. If our questions don’t get answered in the meeting, we ask someone to speak with us and get the phone numbers of other members afterward. Many things will only begin to make sense given time. Just keep coming back.
What is a meeting like?
An SIA meeting is a unique tool to use during recovery. While SIA is not a replacement for therapy when needed, the camaraderie and fellowship that incest survivors feel when among others who have been through similar experiences as a child is not something easily described. The time spent with others who understand (and who ‘get it’ in ways no one else can) is a relief and can be inspiring. SIA stresses that we are not alone; nothing else makes that point as vividly as participating in an SIA meeting. All of us are in different stages of recovery, but all of us need validation that what happened was real and that we are not to blame and not alone. The WSO encourages all newcomers to try out different meetings where possible to find the best fit for their own personal recovery.
The caring support from other survivors makes our meetings what they are – a safe place to come together and share.
Who wrote the SIA literature?
SIA literature was written by and for SIA members. New literature is always being created and published. Any SIA member is welcome to get involved in this process by joining the World Service Conference Literature Committee (provide link or email or both). To avoid confusion, a declaration should be made when non-SIA literature is being quoted or shared in an SIA meeting.
What is a sponsor, and do I need to get one?
In a meeting, you may hear members speak of having or looking for a sponsor to assist in their recovery. Some of us prefer the terms co-sponsor or fellow traveler. Whatever we call them, this person becomes a member of our support system. They are someone who is well on their recovery path and is able to hold space for us as we journey through our healing. This may look like a weekly check-in phone or video call, text or email communication, or a formal journey through the 12 steps. A sponsor is not an authority figure. We recognize that when we were victimized, we were given the message not to trust ourselves. In SIA, we begin to see that we can find what is best for us and be responsible for owning our journeys. We CAN trust ourselves to find the right people for our support systems. We can all trust ourselves and each other to set healthy boundaries with each other.
What is service, and how do I get involved?
Step 12 reminds us that to keep the healing and recovery we have found in SIA, we need to carry the message of SIA to others. One way to do that is to be willing to hold space for fellow survivors, help out with our home group as a facilitator or GSR, or serve on a World Service Committee. As we do this, we find ourselves becoming more healthy and grounded.