Guideline 1: No Perpetrators

Perpetrators are not allowed at SIA meetings. We are here to heal from the wounds of sexual abuse by sharing our experience, strength and hope. We may talk about the incest, its effects, our memories, our feelings, our problems, our recovery, our dreams or any other experience, but not on current or past adult perpetrating behaviors including sexual objectification, in practice or fantasy, for personal pleasure.

Explanation of Guideline 1: No Perpetrators
While all survivors “react” and turn the past into the present to varying degrees, we do not allow adult perpetration to be discussed at SIA meetings. The reason for this is simple: our space is meant to be one where survivors may heal from the wounds of underage sexual abuse. When survivors are required to share space with those who have been sexually abusive as adults, fear prevents feelings of safety and trust from emerging, thus making it difficult if not impossible to trust that meetings are a safe place to open up wounds and express the impact of childhood sexual abuse. While many feel that adult perpetrators deserve a safe place to heal from their sexual abuse, SIA meetings are not that place. Note, talking about what one was forced to do in a general fashion as a child or teen in the midst of the abusive family/church/school environment is not considered an infraction of this guideline if a trigger alert is provided, nor is talking about being trained/socialized to engage in general forms of acting out and regretting/struggling with that form of sexual behavior a violation of the guideline. That said, talking about abuse we initiated/did to others as a teen is not a subject for an SIA general share meeting. It is appropriate though for sharing with a sponsor, recovery partner or therapist.

Infraction Examples:

“I dream of doing _________ with a teenager.”
“I like to do ______(sado-masochistic, or other forms of sexual activity that resemble abuse) ______ when engaged in sex.”
“I get turned on by ______(specific sexual objectification act)____.”
“I was raped by my brother as a child, and did the same to others afterward.”

Non-infraction Examples:

“I was forced to participate in sexual acting behaviors in my family, and I struggle with the fact that I can’t engage in healthy sexual behaviors as an adult.”
“I am a sex addict and have acted out sexually until I got into recovery, and now I see where this unmanageability stems from.” 
“After being raped by my brother, I acted out in ways that I regret.”

Guideline 2: Identifying

We focus on our own recovery and take our own inventory, not others’. It’s okay to identify with what another has said and share our personal experience on the same topic, but we do not name that person.

Explanation of Guideline 2: Identifying
When sharing we attempt to share our own stories, experiences, thoughts and feelings. Many times, upon hearing another’s share at a meeting, we identify because we have had similar experiences. That said, we do not name that person when identifying for a simple reason: doing so may be triggering to the individual named. After sharing, doors often open to deeper feelings and thoughts; consequently, individuals may feel raw, challenged and in pain. Naming another, rather than the idea may set off further emotional flashbacks. Often, after sharing as children, our names were used prior to being punished or hurt. Equally bad, our names were often used during our sexual abuse. Further, using another’s name when identifying may be viewed as dismissive or disagreeing with the person who first shared, especially if the identifying person had a different response, need or way of dealing with the idea/feeling/experience being shared about.

Infraction Examples:

“Yah, it’s like Joe said, some days it’s hard to get out of bed.”
“I agree with Joe; it’s hard to get out of bed some mornings.”

Non-infraction Examples:

“As a survivor it’s hard to get out of bed some days.”
“I identify with what’s been said earlier about how difficult it is to get out of bed some mornings. I remember . . .”

Guideline 3: ‘I’ Statements

We talk in ‘I’ statements, not “you” or “we” statements. However, if you’re multiple or referring to you and your inner kids, feel free to share using the “We” voice, but please let the group know that your “We” applies to you and not everyone else.

Explanation of Guideline 3: ‘I’ Statements
Simply stated, survivors often struggle to be seen and heard. Moreover, many of us have built in defense mechanisms to avoid taking ownership of our feelings, thoughts and statements. We do not speak in the “you” voice for several reasons. First, speaking in the “you” voice tends to prevent ownership of one’s feelings and thoughts (and many times resembles how our abusers communicated with us). Second, when using “You” or “We,” the speaking survivor can easily trigger others in the room who believe that the sharing survivor is trying to tell them what to do and control their behaviors. When triggered and raw, “You and We” can feel emotionally abusive, shaming, and can easily cause a triggered listener to believe that the sharing individual is trying to control them or is behaving like a perpetrator.

Infraction Examples:

“You’re a selfish person because you expect me to listen to your abuse stories but don’t let me talk about my pain.”
“You know, when you feel ashamed the best way to deal with it is for you to go for a walk.”
“You want to shout and scream when someone crosses your boundaries.”
“We need to resolve this issue now.”
“We want to go out and have fun.”
Not providing a trigger-alert warning prior to sharing “We are thinking/feeling . . .”

Non-infraction Examples:

“When I’m not allowed to speak about my pain, when there’s a lack of reciprocity, I feel that I don’t matter.”
“I know when I feel ashamed the best way for me to deal with it is to go for a walk.”
“I want to shout and scream when someone crosses my boundaries.”
“I need to resolve this issue now.” or “We, and I’m referring to me and my parts, need to resolve this issue now.”
“The We of Me wants to go out and have fun.”
Providing a trigger-alert like: “I’m going to be using the ‘we’ voice to describe what my parts/selves and I are thinking” (then when sharing thoughts “We” is okay)

Guideline 4: Non-SIA Literature and Triggering Language

We care for fellow Survivors by trying to remember to announce when we are going to read or quote non-SIA literature, share highly (explicit) abuse memories or use four-lettered language. When we share non-SIA literature, we relate it to our recovery from the disease of childhood mental, emotional, physical and sexual trauma.

Explanation of Guideline 4: Non-SIA Literature and Triggering Language

A: Reading/Quoting Non-SIA Literature

Please note the words, “reading or quoting” non-SIA literature. Many confuse sharing about one’s practice of another healing modality/approach, or referring to another 12-step fellowship one is a member of with crossing this guideline. It is not. That person does not need to give a trigger-alert about “reading or quoting” non-SIA literature. Similarly, since survivors tend to agree that our defensive protection behaviors are a direct result of our childhood abuse, there is no issue with talking about our membership in other 12-step programs, or struggles with acting out alcoholically, codependently, etcetera, and no need to provide a trigger alert if you share that you’re a member of another 12-Step fellowship. If, however, one is naming advice from another 12-Step fellowship about how to conduct oneself a trigger warning is required. 

Further, when talking about non-SIA literature, we tie it in to our survivor challenges because we keep the focus of sharing at meetings on our recovery from childhood sexual abuse. Thus, when quoting a verse from a religion’s holy book, we don’t just share the quote. Rather, we tie-in the quote’s idea to how it helps with our recovery processes as adult survivors.

Infraction Examples (OK with trigger warning):

“Jane Smith, in her book, Internal Family Systems, says/writes that when dealing with triggered, exiled kid parts . . . ”
“AA says that when plagued by nasty memories, feelings and inner voices just ignore them, so that’s what I do.”
“As it says in Philippians 4:13, ‘I can do all things through him that strengthens me.’” (Relating to survivor experiences.)

Even with a trigger alert, quotes of outside literature should tie into survivor experiences:
“Trigger alert: I’m going to quote non-SIA religious literature, as it says in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through him that strengthens me.”

Non-infraction Examples (No trigger warning needed):

“I practice internal family systems work. Anyway, I was talking with one of my triggered, exiled kid parts and had to calm down one of the manager parts who wanted to shout at my inner kid.” (does not quote the book or author)
“I’m a member of AA and when triggered by childhood abuse feelings, I want to drink.”
“Trigger alert, something I’ve learned in the AA fellowship is that it’s okay for me to turn off the inner noise, and take a break from my feelings and memories.”
“Trigger alert, I’m going to quote non-SIA religious literature, as it says in Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through him that strengthens me.” In other words, with my loving Higher Power’s help, I’m able to show up for any survivor challenge I face: panic attacks, PTSD triggers . . .” (Relating to survivor experiences.)

B: Sharing Highly (Explicit) Abuse Memories

There is a big difference between sharing our qualifiers for SIA (the abuse events that happened) and the graphic/explicit details of such qualifying events. In SIA we do allow survivors to express explicit details and feelings about abuse as they need to be aired, but we provide trigger warnings prior to doing so about the nature of our share so that listeners can tuck their inner kid(s) away or mute their electronic devices if they are not in a place to hear graphic or explicit details.

Infraction Examples that Require Trigger Warnings.

“When my father and mother raped me, I was forced to suck their genitals and often passed out from lack of breath.”
“When I was prostituted as a child, they filmed me being anally raped by five men who shouted, ‘You want this Kid.’”
“In the RA cult I was forced to watch people being killed, was blamed for their deaths, and then beaten and sodomized as punishment.”
“My priest would always touch me and one day in the church sanctuary he started to fondle me, saying ‘You’re a good girl. You like this don’t you.’”

Non-infraction Examples

“I was repeatedly raped by my father and mother between the ages of 4 – 8 years of age” (definition of survivorship)
“Trigger alert for highly explicit details. (pause for couple seconds)  I’m going to share highly graphic abuse memories and I’ll give everyone a little bit to take care of themselves before I continue. When my father and mother raped me, I was forced to suck their genitals and often passed out from lack of breath.”
“I was trafficked/prostituted as a child and used to create child pornography:” (definition of survivorship)
“Trigger alert for highly explicit details. I’m going to share highly graphic abuse memories and I’ll give everyone a little bit to take care of themselves before I continue. When I was prostituted as a child, they filmed me being anally raped by five men who shouted, ‘You want this Kid.’”
“I’m a ritual abuse survivor and was abused sexually, physically, emotionally and verbally.” (definition of survivorship)
“Trigger alert for highly explicit details. (pause for a couple seconds) In the RA cult I was forced to watch people being killed, was blamed for their deaths, and then beaten and sodomized as punishment.”
“My priest groomed and molested me in the church sanctuary.” (definition of survivorship)
“Trigger alert for highly explicit details. (pause for a couple seconds). My priest would always touch me and one day in the church sanctuary he started to fondle me, saying ‘You’re a good girl. You like this don’t you.’”

C: Using Four-lettered Language

We provide a trigger-warning prior to using four-lettered language for the simple reason: many of us were cussed at during our abuse, and many of our perpetrators were angry and loud while doing so. Thus, given our often raw feelings at meetings, we provide an alert so that folk who are already triggered can take care of themselves.

Infraction Examples that Require Trigger Warnings.

“Shit! I am so f***ing angry at my abuser. I want them to suffer.”

Non-infraction Examples

“Trigger alert, I’m going to be using four-lettered language (pause). Shit! I am so f***ing angry at my abuser. I want them to suffer.”

Guideline 5: Intense Emotions

We may safely express intense emotions – anyone may sob freely without interference, express anger, terror, shame or any other feeling through words, without risk of being asked to leave.

Explanation of Guideline 5: Intense Emotions
At meetings one may sob for one’s entire share or express anger, terror or shame safely. Why? It’s part of the healing process. Growing up most survivors had to swallow their feelings and learn to keep them at bay or risk being punished, abandoned, or minimized. Expressing emotions safely helps to rebuild self-esteem and the belief that we matter and deserve to be heard. That said, we do not harm ourselves or others when expressing feelings. We do not hit ourselves, or throw objects in open share meetings.

Infraction Examples:

 If we hurt ourselves physically or hit or throw something at someone, it’s not okay. (Judging others’ emotions/actions)

Non-infraction Examples:

Simply stated, we may express any feeling that we want to.

Guideline 6: No Discrimination

We do not express anger or criticism towards a group of people based on gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, affiliation or disability. It is okay to share that we feel triggered by a group because they remind us of our abusers, but anger needs to be directed at the perpetrator specifically, not general groups.

Explanation of Guideline 6: No Discrimination

In SIA 12-Step rooms all members are equal. Our traditions remind us that everyone’s needs are of equal value and that the unity of the group takes precedence over certain needs for self-expression by individual members. Therefore, we do not criticize groups of individuals. We may say what a group is doing and immediately tie it back into our abuse by sharing how a group triggers us, or how they remind us of our treatment by our perpetrators, but anger and criticism need to be directed at our abusers, not general groups/categories of people. This makes the room safe for all survivors to share and grow. Moreover, learning to deal with anger/criticism (especially if it’s intense) by taking triggered feelings back to the original abuse experiences is invaluable in helping us to learn how to walk through emotional flashbacks and PTSD-triggers. Often, it’s frightening to return feelings to their source because it’s like telling our abusers that we’re angry with them. When criticizing others in the present, often a childlike part of our psyches may be triggered, but it feels safer to criticize folk in the present rather than express the feelings towards those that hurt us. Part of our growth from victims to thrivers requires that we learn how to return the events, triggers and stirred-up emotions back to the original abuse experience.

 Infraction Examples:   

 “President Jake Fern and everyone belonging to his political party are selfish fools and need to be eliminated.”
 “Those who believe that lives can be taken while in the womb fail to adhere to the Christian value that every life matters.”

 Non-infraction Examples:

 “Jake Frons’ political party’s legislation to protect their interests disturbs me. It reminds me of growing up in an abusive family where only the big people could set the rules, and the rules only took care of them. It makes me want to scream in frustration over how powerless I was then.”
 “The recent news about certain states not limiting the right to abortion upsets me. It’s tough for me to accept as a Christian, and also because when I was being abused as an adolescent by my uncle, I became pregnant and was forced to have an abortion. Every time I am reminded of this event it stirs me up because there was no one there to protect me.”

Guideline 7: Communication Boundaries

We respect and honor our fellow Survivors by refraining from name calling, criticizing, gossip, talking about conflicts we may be having with other members of the meetings we attend or violating communication boundaries when sharing at meetings. Likewise, we place other Survivors’ needs on equal footing with our own in the context of the meeting.

Explanation of Guideline 7: Communication Boundaries 

There are several reasons we refrain from criticizing and talking about others we have conflicts with in the fellowship. First, it may lead to intensification of conflicts, which in turn can come back to hurt our meeting’s ability to serve as a place for all survivors to share safely. It can lead to side-taking. Second, gossiping and criticizing others limits our ability to grow and tends to reinforce feelings of victimization. Codependent triangulation and enmeshment result from growing up in dysfunctional, abusive families. Triangulation often represents a misplaced desire to have others rescue us from our challenges. With enmeshment, borders between ourselves and others tend to disappear. In this place, survivors will often turn others into beings they have unresolved issues with. For instance, an older female friend in SIA may become the mom we never had and when she doesn’t behave like our internalized notion of how a loving mom is supposed to behave, we become triggered and dump unresolved real world mom issues onto our older friend. We may become harshly critical and need to tell others that the friend isn’t safe. In both instances we maintain an internal stance of victimage. We often avoid taking our emotional charges back to the historic events that caused them and thereby separating the past’s emotional charge from the present. We fail to release the repressed emotional energy and hypervigilance that gives rise to our emotional flashbacks. Further, we never work out our relationships with the people with whom we need to work them out, and thereby prevent them from growing into healthy, more complete relationships. We never learn to set healthy boundaries, or learn to communicate our way through conflict in ways that are affirming for each participant. In effect, we continue to stay small as gossip and criticism makes our meetings unsafe and perpetuates a lack of safety in our psyches.  

Infraction Examples:

Name Calling:
“Anyone who thinks that perpetrators need to be forgiven has their heads up their butts.”

Criticizing:
(after another’s share about ignoring an inner child): “In terms of another person’s share, ignoring your inner children is just wrong.”
(after another’s share about being LGBTQIA): “I believe homosexuality is wrong because the Bible/Koran/Torah tells me this.”
“There are a lot of people in SIA who think _______________, and I’m tired of listening to this stuff.”

Gossip:
“Joe/Jane wrote me, “_____________________________.”

Conflicts with other SIA members:
“The moderator of the ll:00 P.M. open share meeting reread a safety guideline after my share, and I hadn’t crossed the guideline and it made me real angry at them.”
“There’s a member of another SIA meeting who yells at me whenever I share that the former President of the United States reminds me of my perpetrator because he never seems to listen to those who disagree with him.”

Non-infraction Examples:

Name Calling:
“I often think I may have my head up my butt if I forgive my perpetrators.”

Criticizing:
“For me, ignoring my inner children is wrong. It’s hurt me more times than I can remember.”

Gossip:
“I become bothered when I hear . . .” (about situations with no names or details)

Conflicts with other SIA members:
“When someone thinks I crossed a safety guideline and I think I didn’t, I feel anger towards them.”
“The President of the United States reminds me of my perpetrator because he never seems to listen to those who disagree with him.”

Guideline 8: Anonymity

We don’t break anonymity about what was shared in the meeting outside of the meeting, or vice versa.

Explanation of Guideline 8: Anonymity

Everyone of us deserves anonymity. Each of us is allowed to share who we are without worrying about others’ responses to us. Moreover, the only one who has a right to share their story with others is the person to whom the story belongs. Although we learn to no longer isolate and experience life challenges by ourselves, the very fact that we can count on others at meetings to respect our privacy is key to building internal and external safety and trust. It’s difficult for safety and trust to grow because many of us were repeatedly shamed by our abusers when they told stories about us to other family members and friends. That is why this safety guideline exists. Further, if you wish, feel free to let SIA group members know that if they run into you outside of meetings, when you’re with other people, if you want them to say hi, or acknowledge you.

Examples of Guideline 8: Anonymity Boundary Infractions & Non-infractions

Infraction Examples:

Landline Phone messages: “Hi it’s Jill calling from SIA/program. Can I speak with Beth?”
Outside on the sidewalk when an SIA member is with someone else: “Hi Joe, it’s good to see you outside of an SIA meeting.”

Non-infraction Examples:

Landline Phone messages: “Hi this is Jill. May I speak with Beth?”
Outside on the sidewalk when an SIA member is with someone else: “Hi Joe, good to see you.”

Guideline 9: No Cross Talk

We don’t cross talk, which includes:
 ● No interrupting while others speak
 ● No commenting on what others have said when it is our turn to share
 ● No giving advice or attempting to comfort others
Note: Using another person’s name when thanking them for their share is not considered cross talk.

Explanation of Guideline 9: No Cross Talk

A: No Interrupting

This safety guideline exists because many survivors were constantly interrupted when speaking by caregivers and those who abused them. Interrupting a share at a meeting can be highly triggering as a result. Note, if a person is breaking a guideline the meeting secretary or host may need to jump in if people in the room are becoming triggered, rather than waiting until the person finishes their share. This type of interruption only occurs though if the person sharing is being highly explicit and violating guideline 1, or if the graphic details of abuse are very vivid and no trigger warning was given. Also, if another’s share is exceeding the time limit by more than half a minute, it is alright to interrupt so that one person does not dominate the sharing time. Please remember that the guidelines apply in all WWVM meetings, including business meetings and Group Conscience Safety Check meetings.

B: No Commenting on Another’s Share

Growing up, many survivors were repeatedly ridiculed for their opinions and ideas. Often children were told their ideas were wrong, and that only their abusers knew what was right. Further, it is also common that survivors were hurt and punished verbally, physically and sexually directly after their abusers made comments about the survivor’s words or actions. This is why we avoid commenting on others’ shares and using their names when we share.

C: No Giving Advice or Attempting to Comfort Others

Again, we don’t give advice or provide comfort without asking for permission first. Growing up, survivors are often told what to do or not do, which is why unsolicited advice can be highly triggering, and cause already stirred-up individuals to feel that the person offering advice is behaving abusively.
 We don’t attempt to comfort others by commenting on shares after intense emotions are expressed because many times survivors feel they’re being told to be quiet, get over it, or feel that they’re being pitied. Sometimes, offering a tissue without asking can feel like being told to go away, or being told to become silent. Moreover, sometimes the person who wants to give comfort is doing so codependently in order to silence the sharer’s feelings because the person offering the comfort doesn’t wish to experience their own discomfort. Sadly, comforting can be triggering for yet another reason: often survivors did receive some comfort. The enabling parent or non-sexually abusive parent may have offered comfort, but then didn’t stop the abuse from continuing to occur. Alternately, if one’s abuser was multiple or severely fragmented internally, the same abuser may have at one moment abused the child and then, after switching to an alternate personality, comforted the child. Further, many survivors whose abuse was not physically painful, may have felt their abuser loved them or cared about them, and that they’d lose their abuser’s affection if they stopped the abuse or spoke up about it. For all these reasons, comforting/caretaking can be triggering and that’s why we avoid it.  Please note, we can ask for permission to provide comfort between shares or after a meeting, but comforting does not occur without permission being granted by the potential recipient. Of course, long-time SIA friends may choose to dispense with this idea as they have come to feel safe and comfortable in their relationship, but even if this happens it’s okay for survivors to say, “Today, ask for permission before offering comfort.”

Infraction Examples:

A: No Interrupting (breaking into share):

“Quit moaning and groaning.”
“You’re breaking a safety guideline.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Stop talking, you’re way past the time limit.”

B. No Commenting on Another’s Share:

“I don’t sweat small stuff any more like a newcomer.” (after a newcomer has just shared)
“If I was Steve, this is what I’d do . . .”

C: No Giving Advice or Attempting to Comfort Others:

“What would I do if I was faced with that work situation is . . .” (referring to other’s share)
“Oh, here’s a tissue. You look like you could use one.”
Offering tissues without being asked and saying nothing.

Non-infraction Examples:

A: No Interrupting:

“Jim/Jane, I need to jump in and reread a safety guideline as a reminder, . .” (during explicit share with no warning)
“A gentle reminder, the time limit for sharing is 5 minutes, and your time expired more than half a minute ago.” (far over the share time)

B: No Commenting on Another’s Share:

“When I first came in the doors to SIA, my universe was rocked because suddenly all these repressed emotions started to emerge. As a result, simple tasks became impossible to complete and I was constantly in a panic as a result.”
“I identify with how difficult making healthy decisions can be. When I’m having difficulty making healthy choices I . . .”

C: No Giving Advice or Attempting to Comfort Others:

“I identify with tough choices at work. As a survivor I become easily triggered there due to my authority issues. When I become triggered at work, I’ve learned to . . .”

Guideline 10: Triggers

We attend meetings with the awareness that we may be triggered. We avoid turning the present into the past. Other Survivors’ words, vocal tones, and responses may make us feel that we are dealing with perpetrators. Therefore, we caution Survivors not to treat other Survivors as if they are abusers. If someone in the virtual room is triggering, we learn to deal with the evoked emotions responsibly by stepping away from our electronic devices when needed, setting boundaries with anyone who triggers us, taking evoked feelings back to the original abuse experiences, comforting our inner children, and refraining from acting upon the desire to gossip that may arise due to being triggered by a fellow survivor.

Explanation of Guideline 10: Triggers

As survivors there is no way to avoid being triggered at SIA meetings. At times others stories and experiences will help us to feel closer to others and not alone. At other times, when survivors share experiences and feelings, the act will open up doorways to our feelings. We will feel what we felt in the past. Hypervigilance may be activated; PTSD responses may occur. At these times it’s important that we learn to care for ourselves in healthy, supportive ways. When triggered and lost in emotional flashbacks and/or PTSD experiences it’s easy to turn safe others into potential abusers, and in turn become emotionally reactive/abusive in our verbal responses. It’s difficult to focus; it’s difficult to hear clearly and accurately; it’s difficult to remember that we are safe when triggered. At times like this, there are many ways to engage in self-care. If another’s image or vocal quality is disturbing, we mute our electronic devices or turn away from our screens. If in an in-person meeting it’s alright to leave the room to take care of oneself, even if it’s in the middle of a share. Whenever strong feelings occur about the present, there’s a good chance that repressed, unresolved feelings from our abuse are emerging. In SIA we have a saying, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” In other words, emotions are emerging that had to be stuffed as children, and that were never comforted by our caregivers as they should have been. Thus, it falls on us to learn to comfort ourselves and our inner child(ren).

While it is important to learn to set healthy boundaries with others, in the context of the meeting all of us are equals. Therefore, we learn to take care of ourselves rather than ask others to change their tone of voice, color of clothes they may be wearing, the place that they are communicating from, or the words they use to describe their experiences.

Similarly, if we are going to use graphic/explicit details, or use four-lettered language we give trigger warnings to assist others with healthy self-care. Recovery is an inside job as some like to say. This means that we cannot control outside situations totally and must learn to show up for the pain that external situations may evoke within us at meetings. If this were not so, SIA would have a Do and Don’t list that literally could be pages in length.

Infraction Examples:

“You need to quit looking at me when sharing. It’s abusive.” (said by person who was stared at prior to being abused).
“You need to avoid allusions to Christianity.” (said by person who was abused by church-going Christians).
“Stop streaming your video from such a messy room (said by a person whose abuser’s home was always messy)
“Shut off your background music because it triggers me (said by a person whose abusers listened to a particular genre of music) 

Non-infraction Examples:

“When people stare at me, I become easily triggered because that’s just what happened almost every time before I was abused.”
“Allusions to Christianity trigger me. It’s something I need to work on because I was abused by Catholic priests.”
“Messy rooms bother me because the house I was abused in was always messy.”
“Classical music triggers me. My parents always listened to classical music. It’d even be playing sometimes when I was abused.”

Guideline 11: Safety and Courtesy at Meetings

Please respect the sharing of others by keeping your device muted when not sharing. Avoid distracting movements/visual behaviors all can see. Do not use provocative screen saver photos, and do not take screenshots of anyone. Please remember to act as if you are actually present with others in a room.

Explanation of Guideline 11: Safety and Courtesy at Meetings

At virtual meetings we keep electronic devices muted except when reading or sharing. Often, it’s difficult for survivors to articulate what they want to share. Unexpected noise, distracting movements, provocative screen savers and recording others without their permission can be both triggering and create confusion during another’s share. Similarly, talking on the phone or to a person in your room while another is sharing at a zoom meeting can also be triggering due to feelings of not being heard. Please stop your live video streaming and keep your devices muted if you need to take care of yourself in ways that may be distracting to the person sharing.

Infraction Examples:

Repeatedly forgetting to mute, eating during a person’s share without turning off video stream, talking to others in your home while another is sharing without muting, taking pictures, picking your nose, or displaying yourself in skimpy attire.

Non-infraction Examples:

Turning on or off one’s screen saver because one needs to leave one’s computer, answer the door, etcetera.

Guideline 12: Maintaining Relationship Boundaries

We maintain safety in and out of meetings by refraining from making romantic or sexual advances towards any member.

Explanation of Guideline 12: Maintaining Relationship Boundaries

Simply stated, children who are sexually abused need freedom in order to process trauma events and feelings. Moreover, many survivors reenact their abuse by becoming involved in romantic relationships that become abusive. Because of this, any intimation of wanting more than simple friendship can become highly triggering and make meetings feel unsafe. Refraining from dating or having sexual relationships with others in the same meeting or group is standard conduct for 12 step fellowships.

Infraction Examples:

Asking for another member for a date.

Non-infraction Examples:

None included, because there is no safe way to do this.

All that said, there may be an exception. If two survivors are already long-term friends, and both have worked the steps in SIA, and they have both discovered that they’re willing to enter into a romantic relationship, it’s up to those two individuals to make this decision. That said, it’s highly recommended that after such a decision is made, that those two individuals start attending separate SIA meetings. Why? Survivors need safe spaces to process their relationships. Moreover, if the two people are attending the same meeting and are experiencing relationship difficulties with one another or have decided to end the relationship, it can interfere with meeting safety. Often, folks want others to choose sides. Moreover, if the two survivors who are breaking up are at the same meeting and not getting along there, it can make the room feel very unsafe for other survivors because many times it was after parental conflict that abuse occurred.